What's behind the red door pooh?

When i was younger my mom would drive me through the streets of oak park, a place where all houses were beautiful. She'd say, "look pooh." I'd look and i'd go, "Wow!" Every house had it's own significance. I remember one house in particular, the one with the red door. I loved that house and i still do. I feel like the red door is one of those sacred places or symbols, in which the most sacred things about yourself lie behind. I'm the girl behind the red door, and now i have so many secrets waiting for me to release them. I've opened that door a few times for this blog, for a few of my close friends, and for my exes. And for "the boy." For my parents, my god father, my best cousin, and for my mentors throughout life.

Yesterday i saw Ex 1's mom. I miss her so much and i didn't realize how much until i saw her yesterday. She walked over to me and hugged me so dear and whispered, "I miss you." I whispered her words back to her and she kissed me on the cheek. She's so small and we joked about it for a few seconds before she asked me where her son was. I couldn't tell her and i felt an emotion im not sure i've ever felt, i can't even name it. In the past i always new where he was because for the most part we were together. Sometimes i wish we had never broken up, but he couldn't even look at me yesterday. It's times like those where i change my mind.

He's big and strong, tall and manly. When you stand next to him he makes you feel like your a puppy. His hugs are the best when he really wants you in his arms. His arms are long and they use to wrap around me perfectly. I miss that. Sometimes i think i miss him. He dresses nice, always has. When we were together we would dress in ways that seemed different, yet we complimented each other. We were adorable and his mom would always call us her love birds. I miss that sometimes.

I think about why we broke up, and all of those feelings change. It's okay that i miss him, but i don't think we belong anymore. Sometimes i change my mind about that too, like maybe we could belong. Maybe we could have worked if i had believed in us. But it doesn't last long.

Only if i could merge both exes and "the boy" together, i'd have the perfect boy...
Manly
physically strong
mentally strong
emotional
determined
tall
sweet
understanding
confident
sensitive
powerful
humorous
goofy
talented
smart
caring
protecting
sexy
loved
spirit lifting
helpful
athletic
inspired...
                                                                    Loves me