He looked at me and grabbed my hand. "Kiss me," he asked. Without even thinking i did it and i'm not even sure if i feel bad or not. But that first kiss wasn't good. It was like a peck. First kisses aren't pecks, they last longer and they taste sweeter. They make you look for the breath you forgot to breathe in between sweet kisses. But i had to leave so i didn't have time to redo it.
Then i forgot my phone and i had to go back in to get it. He walked into the hallway, pretending that everything was ok. I knew he wanted to try again. I paused then followed him into the hall, but not to kiss, but because that was the way i had to go in order to leave. He had other plans, obviously. When i walked out he was standing on the third step and he had that look, the one that says "Kiss me." So he leaned in and we kissed for about 15 seconds, 20 tops. And it was all sweet and sweetly rushed. He held on and i felt like i was fighting for his lips, but fighting for his hands to not hold on so dear to those certain places.
His lips are so much smaller than mine but they felt bigger, more full pressed against mine. And now that i think about it as i'm writing, i loved all of those 15 or 20 seconds. It was real, it wasn't some fairy tale. I kissed a boy with a girlfriend and all the while i was thinking, this feels nice to not care. Especially since so many people, never think or have thought twice about my feelings. What do they say about me behind my back, ya know?
But, i still have to ask myself...Do you like this boy? I still don't know. What i do know is that i like how he treats me, i love it. I love how he looks at me, his laugh, especially when he's laughing at me. I love that he thinks i'm sexy and cute. I love that he wants to cuddle and kiss and joke around with me. He told me once when we were together with a group of my friends, "You keep saying that you think i was bored, but i wasn't. Seeing you happy and to see you have fun is what made it fun. As long as you're having fun, i'm enjoying myself."
All of those things are great, but i'm not that insecure. I don't need him to feel that way about me. I think that i'm sexy and cute and funny. I make myself laugh and i kiss my own hand just to remind myself of how much love i have for my body and soul and my mind.
But i still ask myself every few minutes... do you like him?
No comments:
Post a Comment