Out with the old, in with the new

I've had a lot of time to think and I've changed my mind about so much. Yes, sometimes i miss "the first" and sometimes i think i still love him. But i think i just miss and love the good times we've had.

I've learned from my own thoughts that it's time to open my mind and heart to new things, new people, and to a new person. I've just been missing "the first" through our memories. It's a waste of time when i could be making memories with someone new.

I also won't be visiting my old school that much anymore. Out with the old, in with the new.

Frozen shoulders and egos and aching fingertips

Sometimes i go to my elementary school, just to visit. It's my home, it's what i know. It's where the boys i talk about come from. We all graduated together, and with the others, it feels like family.

Sometimes family betrays you, and sometimes they let their egos get in the way of a good relationship. Now my shoulders are frozen to anyone who's ego begins to freeze over.

I have girl friends, but the one's from elementary school weren't really my friends, with the exception of a few. I don't get along that well with girls, most of my friends are guys, and i'm a girl. I talk about guy stuff with them, and spill secrets from the girl world with them. They tell me secrets about their world too. I don't know what i would do without them. They are my family.

Sometimes i think about how those girls have boys falling into their hands, and gushing between their fingers. Honestly, i can't even be jealous because i'm not that insecure. I laugh at it sometimes. Before, when she was the chubby girl and she was too skinny and she was nothing, they didn't have any confidence. Now people fill their heads and now their heads are too big. Their insecurities still shine through though. I can't help but hope that they finally get rid of those insecurities.

There are only a few things i want in my life right now:
1. success in school
2. a successful job
3. and him..."the first"

I have everything else i could wish for, anything else doesn't really matter.
God, just guide me down the right path to those wishes that are aching for my fingertips.
Amen

God, help me capture his heart once more. Amen.

I ended things with "the boy." He says that he still likes me but he knows how i feel about the situation. He might even be upset about the whole thing. I don't think i care. I regret it because i didn't feel anything. Real friends wouldn't be mad about such a scenario especially if they know how it makes you feel uncomfortable.

I have my eyes on one prize. "the first." I miss him everyday and i plan to somehow, in someway to get him back. I don't know how but i have to, before my heart aches. I might even still love him. I still love him.

What ever happens, happens. He could either get mad at me for thinking that all of a sudden i think i can come back into his life. Or he'll welcome me with open arms. Of course i'm hoping for the second.

If and when i get him back, i plan to make it the best relationship he'll ever have. I'll spoil him, just as he's spoiled me before. I'll do anything for him. I'll travel for him. I'd buy him anything he wants, even though he doesn't need me to. I just want him to be happy. Hopefully he'll choose for that happiness to be with me, because i choose for my happiness to be with him.

He's pretty much everything that i could want. Smart, Handsome, understanding, goofy, funny, mature, sensitive, caring, protective, tough, i could go on and on. I can look past all the reasons i had for breaking up with him in the first place. Although they were real reasons, i was hiding behind them for the real reasons i hadn't known until now. I guess that's why i can now see myself with him. I miss him. I miss him. God, i miss him.

God, face his heart toward mine.
Amen.

I would sometimes just kiss his bottom lip

I haven't talked to him in four days, "the boy." I'm okay with that, not even sure i miss him. But i do miss someone and i'd never thought i would. I miss Him, the first ex, Ex 1. We should call him "The first" because he was the first boy i had ever been in love with. Sometimes i ask myself if i regret breaking up with him, but then i think about how low my self esteem was and how my confidence level was so low. If i had never broken up with him i would still be miserable and i wouldn't have found myself. I wouldn't know just how beautiful i was, even though he told me everyday. He told me everyday how beautiful i was, and most of the time he showed it. A lot of those times i didn't believe him but i knew he meant it, i hope that counts for something.

He hated when i said i was just pretty.

I remember our first kiss, i had been so scared. We were in  his room, sitting in chairs because we hadn't been allowed to sit on the bed. We were playing the PlayStation and joking around, it was also our second date. It started getting late and i didn't even realize the lights had been off the entire time until the room was dark, and the only light source was from the television. I think he asked me if i had ever kissed a boy and i had said not a real kiss, never on the lips. "When are we going to have our first kiss?" I think he asked that. I told him that i would kiss him right now, in that moment. He dared me and said that he know i wouldn't do it, that i was too scared. So i grabbed his face and went for it, he pulled away with a huge laugh and we laughed together for a few minutes. The he said, "okay, for real this time." We both had a quick chuckle then we leaned in. His lips were... His lips just were. He has full, pink, and soft lips. I loved his lips.

When we were finally allowed to sit on the bed, i would lay on his chest and peer up at his lips. I'd sit up to climb up his boyish chest, and grab his t shirt, then kiss just his bottom lip. He'd smile and i love yous would be exchanged. We were in love, at only 14 years old. Some might say that's impossible, but it happened. I know we were in love because when we weren't together and i would think about him and my stomach would hurt. I would be physically nauseous, until we talked. I miss him a lot and i know that we could be in love again. This time we would work it out, and we'd give each other our all.

My mom misses him sometimes too. "My son in-law," she'd always call him. She'd say, "You and him were so cute together.

I know his mom misses me, she said so to me just last week, when i saw her in person. I miss his family and his house.  We'd sit in his room or the living room and watch as the room got darker throughout the day. I never felt out of place there, I always felt like i was a part of the family. He always made me feel that way. I'd go grocery shopping with him and his mom, or sometimes just me and his mom. His mom would always introduce me as her daughter in-law, or sometimes she would just say, "This is my daughter." I miss that. I miss him.

I don't know how but i'm gonna get him back. I hope he wants me back.

Something very short and uninteresting

Sometimes i don't even know why i started this blog, like what was really the point. And then i remember that here i can talk without restraint. I've decided i'm going to end things with "the boy". It shouldn't have started anyway and every time i talk to him now i feel guilty, at first i wasn't sure that's what it was. He was going to invite me somewhere, as a group thing, but things got mixed up and he couldn't. Anyway his girlfriend and a couple of his other friends were there and i couldn't even imagine actually going because he and I would know what happened and we'd be pretending in front of everyone that it hadn't.

There were two other girls that he cheated with and they weren't there either because his girlfriend didn't trust them and for the most part him and those girls weren't really friends. I don't want to be one of them and that is one of the very reasons why i will end this very short and uninteresting "fling" with "the boy." He's a very special person but i don't think i've ever saw him that way and i don't think i ever will. I've been holding on to him anyway that i could just because he was something great i had going for me, a friend, something like a brother. But i've noticed all of the other great people in my life. If he can't understand that i just want to be friends than i guess i don't need him in my life, but i'm hoping it doesn't come to that.

I'm hoping the ending of this very short and uninteresting "fling" isn't the end of a very beautiful friendship.

What's behind the red door pooh?

When i was younger my mom would drive me through the streets of oak park, a place where all houses were beautiful. She'd say, "look pooh." I'd look and i'd go, "Wow!" Every house had it's own significance. I remember one house in particular, the one with the red door. I loved that house and i still do. I feel like the red door is one of those sacred places or symbols, in which the most sacred things about yourself lie behind. I'm the girl behind the red door, and now i have so many secrets waiting for me to release them. I've opened that door a few times for this blog, for a few of my close friends, and for my exes. And for "the boy." For my parents, my god father, my best cousin, and for my mentors throughout life.

Yesterday i saw Ex 1's mom. I miss her so much and i didn't realize how much until i saw her yesterday. She walked over to me and hugged me so dear and whispered, "I miss you." I whispered her words back to her and she kissed me on the cheek. She's so small and we joked about it for a few seconds before she asked me where her son was. I couldn't tell her and i felt an emotion im not sure i've ever felt, i can't even name it. In the past i always new where he was because for the most part we were together. Sometimes i wish we had never broken up, but he couldn't even look at me yesterday. It's times like those where i change my mind.

He's big and strong, tall and manly. When you stand next to him he makes you feel like your a puppy. His hugs are the best when he really wants you in his arms. His arms are long and they use to wrap around me perfectly. I miss that. Sometimes i think i miss him. He dresses nice, always has. When we were together we would dress in ways that seemed different, yet we complimented each other. We were adorable and his mom would always call us her love birds. I miss that sometimes.

I think about why we broke up, and all of those feelings change. It's okay that i miss him, but i don't think we belong anymore. Sometimes i change my mind about that too, like maybe we could belong. Maybe we could have worked if i had believed in us. But it doesn't last long.

Only if i could merge both exes and "the boy" together, i'd have the perfect boy...
Manly
physically strong
mentally strong
emotional
determined
tall
sweet
understanding
confident
sensitive
powerful
humorous
goofy
talented
smart
caring
protecting
sexy
loved
spirit lifting
helpful
athletic
inspired...
                                                                    Loves me

Please kiss me, im confused

He looked at me and grabbed my hand. "Kiss me," he asked. Without even thinking i did it and i'm not even sure if i feel bad or not. But that first kiss wasn't good. It was like a peck. First kisses aren't pecks, they last longer and they taste sweeter. They make you look for the breath you forgot to breathe in between sweet kisses. But i had to leave so i didn't have time to redo it.

Then i forgot my phone and i had to go back in to get it. He walked into the hallway, pretending that everything was ok. I knew he wanted to try again. I paused then followed him into the hall, but not to kiss, but because that was the way i had to go in order to leave. He had other plans, obviously. When i walked out he was standing on the third step and he had that look, the one that says "Kiss me." So he leaned in and we kissed for about 15 seconds, 20 tops. And it was all sweet and sweetly rushed. He held on and i felt like i was fighting for his lips, but fighting for his hands to not hold on so dear to those certain places.

His lips are so much smaller than mine but they felt bigger, more full pressed against mine. And now that i think about it as i'm writing, i loved all of those 15 or 20 seconds. It was real, it wasn't some fairy tale. I kissed a boy with a girlfriend and all the while i was thinking, this feels nice to not care. Especially since so many people, never think or have thought twice about my feelings. What do they say about me behind my back, ya know?

But, i still have to ask myself...Do you like this boy? I still don't know. What i do know is that i like how he treats me, i love it. I love how he looks at me, his laugh, especially when he's laughing at me. I love that he thinks i'm sexy and cute. I love that he wants to cuddle and kiss and joke around with me. He told me once when we were together with a group of my friends, "You keep saying that you think i was bored, but i wasn't. Seeing you happy and to see you have fun is what made it fun. As long as you're having fun, i'm enjoying myself."

All of those things are great, but i'm not that insecure. I don't need him to feel that way about me. I think that i'm sexy and cute and funny. I make myself laugh and i kiss my own hand just to remind myself of how much love i have for my body and soul and my mind.

But i still ask myself every few minutes... do you like him?

If it happens, it'll be a kiss.

Their is a possible chance that whatever happens tomorrow could ruin my social life and/or my self perspective if it gets out. That's saying if it even happens. I could change everything, because this could change everything. Tomorrow all three of them are going to be their. Ex 1, Ex 2, and my "brother". I can't even call him that anymore. Now he's "the boy." Their all going to be their tomorrow and it's probably going to be really awkward. This could change so much. It could ruin the friendships between Ex 2 and I, also between "the boy" and I. Ex 1 and me haven't spoken since our break up, if you don't count the happy birthdays we sent to each other.

Things are going to change tomorrow. They're gonna change because i might kiss the boy. If i don't i might lose him. If i do, i might lose him. What if Ex 2 still likes me? Sometimes i think he does because of the way he looks at me. What if Ex 1 still likes me? Highly doubted but possible. They're stupid! All of those high school girls and "The boy" is looking at me, and he has a girlfriend! All of those high school girls and Ex 2 still sees me? Stupid.

What ever happens, happens. But it's gonna happen tomorrow.

My heart beats on the outside...sometimes..

Last night i was sitting in a studio in downtown Chicago. A family friend was releasing his new album and as we sat in that small studio, the one with the tiny stage, we all listened as he sang. But there was something more. The music was extremely loud, and not the kind of loud music as you ride in the car, but the loud music that vibrates through your entire body. The loud music that makes you think you can actually feel your heartbeat, even as calm as you are in that very moment. It was like my heart was on the outside of my body and it allowed me to fall in love with music all over again. It gave me a drive to get back on the piano.

But lately i've been feeling out of touch with my body. Like my soul is starring at me from the outside and is watching me go through this part of life on my own. I suppose it's because i need something new to happen everyday. Someone special, that is mine, that i can have everyday. Maybe that's why i think i miss my exes, because i want someone special that doesn't belong to someone else.

I guess im just trying to figure out my next step in life. But it's gonna be something great. One day at a time right? Right...

My brother has a crush on me...

I know this is the second post i've made in one day but something just came up. Actually it's been going on for a while. My male best friend confessed that he has had feelings for me for a few months now and i'm not sure what i should do. He is everything i pretty much want in a guy, but he has a girlfriend. Sometimes he asks me if i like him and i tell him i don't know, i say im confused. I am confused and i don't know. Maybe i do like him but i'm not allowing myself to because i know it's wrong, because he has a girlfriend who i happen to be distant friends with. Maybe i secretly like him because i'm flattered that he likes me, but again i'm not allowing my feelings to find him. And when i tell him how i feel he always seems to be disappointed.

He thinks i'm sexy, smart, cute, funny, sweet, and nice. He said he likes spending time with me. I like spending time with him, i love spending time with him. We've been best friends since we were little and now he likes me. I feel like he's ruined everything. He was something i had great going on in my life. He's that one person that i tell everything to, like EVERYTHING! Especially the weird stuff that girls and boys shouldn't talk about. I can't even talk about those things with my female best friend, just because it's too weird. But i am crazy? Am i crazy for being able to tell a boy about deep-personal things? Is he crazy for listening, not feeling awkward, and for actually doing the same. Sometimes i think he's secretly in love with me because i can see him staring at me from the corner of my eye, as i talk. Or even if im not talking, if im laughing or looking at something, he's looking at me. When i turn my head to look at him, there he is, but not in a weird creepy way. In a sweet admiring way.

We talk everyday. And the days we don't talk, i miss him. Does that mean i like him. I think i do, or i could like him, but i'm afraid. I'm afraid that if i don't eventually like him and he still likes me, we won't talk. We won't talk like me and Ex #2. And i couldn't live in a world where i don't have someone like my best friend. He makes me feel important, and he makes me feel like i belong when no one else does. Once, i was sitting alone just thinking, and he walks over to me, "Hey sis." We call each other bro and sis. it's been that way since we were little. Now he likes me and doesn't call me sis anymore. I miss that.

I can't call him bro anymore either, that's the one thing that's weird. I miss calling him bro.

Exes 1 and 2

Sometimes I think i miss my  exes. But i realized that i only miss certain aspects of our relationship and small parts of their personality, not really them as a person. Ex #1 was sweet and understanding. We'd be in public and if we saw something funny we'd look at each other and bust out with a hysterical laugh. That was important to me, ya know? Having that one person that understood why you thought something was so hilarious, to be able to understand your humor. Other reasons why our laughs were so hysterical together? Because his laugh was something beautiful. He had two laughs. One in which he almost sounded like a little girl, as if he couldn't breath and the humor was sucking away the air. Then there was another. This one was more hardy, definitely more man like, very...manly and strong. It had a certain base behind it because his voice was and is still so deep for his age. This..manly laugh was the laugh that put a smile on my face. Just to see him laugh with such a beautiful smile, it would cause a very girly giggle to erupt from the very pit of my stomach. It would make me happy. It was something sweet and intimate, as we stared into each other's eyes and laughed until our stomach's tightened. He made me feel beautiful. I miss that.

Ex #2 was very special. Sometimes i think i really miss him. But before our feelings grew strong, we were really great friends. Always acting silly, unafraid to be ourselves around each other. When we finally realized that their were feelings, something with a deeper meaning, things changed. We were unafraid to be ourselves around each other, but afraid to be all of who we are in front of each other. Afraid? Why were we afraid? We were afraid that their might be something about us that the other wouldn't like. But we had fun. Our relationship was close, fun and outgoing, intimate but we had never gone all the way. He made me feel sexy. I miss this. Our connection was strong because we both had wanted to take it to the next level. But we weren't ready... I wasn't. He made me laugh. He's still the only person that can get tears rolling down my cheeks when i laugh. I always felt better around him because he made me laugh so much, and i loved it. I miss it. Sometimes i think i miss him. Sometimes I hope he misses me. I still see him, just because we pretty much have the same friends. I'm glad i still see him. I'm okay with the fact that we aren't together anymore, but if he wasn't in my life at all i'd truly be heart broken. When we broke up i cried, over and over...for hours. But not because i wasn't his girlfriend, but because i thought i would never talk to him or laugh with him...never thought he'd talk to me like he talks to her. He doesn't talk to me like he still talks to her, but im okay with that. I don't miss him. He had to many secrets.

Sometimes i think i miss ex#1. 

First time

This title reminds me about the first time i've ever had sex, except i've never done it. This is the first time i've ever written a blog, the first time i've talked to the public about my personal life. This is something new for me and i hope people like it. but if no one does, at least i get to vent, i guess. Anyway i'm 15, i've coached a volleyball team, and i've had two boyfriends within the last 2 years. My parents are married, i have a dog, and we all live in an apartment. My name is Blue.